As much as we don’t like to admit it, we are the ones responsible for teaching others how to treat us - yes, even the ones who end up treating us badly.
Hear me out.
We teach them through what treatment we expect, what behaviours we will accept, and ultimately, we teach them through the use of our personal boundaries.
Boundaries are the invisible lines we draw around ourselves, defining what behaviour we will and won’t tolerate from others.
And just like a physical fence protects property, healthy boundaries safeguard our emotional, mental, and physical well-being.
So, if you constantly find yourself being walked over, treated badly, or taken advantage of, boundaries are the likely missing piece.
This blog dives deeper into why boundaries are important and what happens when you fail to set them, as well as some tools to help get you started on setting healthy boundaries for yourself.
Let’s get stuck in!
Table of Contents:
Why Are Boundaries Important?
Imagine living in a house without any windows or doors. Anyone could walk right in, take what they want, and disrupt your peace at any time.
This is essentially what happens when we lack healthy boundaries. We become vulnerable to manipulation, exploitation, and emotional exhaustion.
Setting healthy boundaries allows us to:
Protect our time and energy: Having healthy boundaries means we can prioritise activities and relationships that nourish us while politely declining requests that leave us feeling drained. For example, setting healthy boundaries around work hours might involve leaving the office on time and not checking work emails outside of work hours.
Maintain healthy relationships: Clear boundaries foster mutual respect and understanding, preventing resentment and conflict. This could involve communicating your need for quality time with your partner or setting boundaries around unsolicited advice from family members.
Promote self-respect and self-worth: By asserting our needs and values, we communicate self-worth and encourage others to treat us with respect. This might involve refusing to engage in gossip or setting boundaries around disrespectful language. By upholding personal boundaries, we also demonstrate to ourselves that we are worthy of protecting our well-being. This, in turn, cultivates a sense of personal accountability and self-reliance, further building self-esteem and solidifying the feeling of having our own back.
Improve mental and emotional well-being: Healthy boundaries reduce stress, anxiety, and feelings of being overwhelmed. Saying no to additional commitments when you're already feeling burnt out or politely but firmly telling a friend that you aren't okay with them calling to just trauma-dump on you again for the fifth time that day are examples of setting boundaries that protect and contribute to your mental well-being.
The Consequences of Neglecting Boundaries
When we fail to establish clear boundaries, we open ourselves up to a multitude of negative consequences.
While it may feel that 'not making waves' will lead to more peaceful interactions and relationships, the opposite is often true.
By not establishing and upholding boundaries we could potentially fall victim to:
Burnout and resentment: We may become overloaded with obligations and resentful towards those who take advantage of our good nature. This could manifest as feeling constantly exhausted, neglecting our own needs, and silently harbouring negativity towards people who consistently overstep.
Manipulation and exploitation: Others may exploit our lack of boundaries for their own benefit, leaving us feeling used and undervalued. This could involve colleagues taking advantage of our willingness to help by delegating their work, or friends constantly relying on us for emotional support without reciprocating.
Erosion of self-esteem: Constant disregard for our needs can chip away at our self-worth and confidence. This might show up as feeling like we are not good enough, questioning our own judgment, and having difficulty making decisions for ourselves. One insidious consequence of neglecting our boundaries is that we are telling ourselves that we aren't worthy of having our needs or values met.
Difficulty saying no: We may struggle to decline requests, even when they are unreasonable or detrimental to our well-being. This could lead to feeling obligated to say yes to everything, even when it comes at a personal cost.
What Are the Types of Boundaries?
Understanding the different types of boundaries can help you identify areas where you might need to set some limits.
Here are some common types:
Emotional Boundaries: These boundaries involve protecting your emotional well-being from negativity, drama, or manipulation.
Physical Boundaries: Physical boundaries refer to your comfort level with physical touch, personal space, and privacy.
Material Boundaries: This refers to setting limits on how your possessions are used or borrowed.
Time Boundaries: Time boundaries are about managing your time effectively and protecting your schedule from being overloaded. It's also how you respond when others don't respect your time.
Facing the Fear of Setting Boundaries
For many, setting boundaries can be a daunting task, especially if it's unfamiliar territory.
This fear can stem from various sources, including a lack of positive displays of healthy boundaries from role models in childhood, or negative past experiences where attempts to set boundaries were met with disapproval or manipulation.
Some further reasons individuals may experience unease about setting boundaries can include:
Fear of conflict: We may worry about upsetting others or damaging relationships by asserting our needs. This fear can stem from a desire to maintain harmony and avoid confrontation, even if it means sacrificing our own well-being.
Guilt and obligation: We may feel obligated to help others, even at our own expense, due to societal expectations or personal conditioning. This could be rooted in cultural norms that emphasise selflessness, or childhood experiences where saying no or voicing an opinion was not encouraged.
Fear of being selfish: Setting boundaries can be misconstrued as selfishness, leading to feelings of guilt or shame. This fear can be influenced by societal messages that prioritise putting others' needs before our own, even if it is at our own detriment (read: mum guilt!)
Lack of practice: If we haven't established boundaries in the past, it can feel awkward and uncomfortable to start. This is because setting boundaries requires assertive communication and navigating potential pushback, which can be unfamiliar territory for individuals who haven't practised setting boundaries before.
How to Set Boundaries
So, now you know why boundaries are so important, let's dig into how to set them.
It's important to remember that despite the initial challenges you'll face - and if boundary setting is new for you, it will require work - cultivating healthy boundaries is an essential skill for a fulfilling life.
Here are some practical steps to help get you started:
1. Identify Your Needs and Values
Start by reflecting on what truly matters to you. Before you can enforce your boundaries, you need to be clear on what they are. What are your non-negotiables in terms of time, energy, and emotional well-being? What values do you want to uphold in your relationships? What kind of treatment do you expect from others? This initial step involves introspection and self-awareness to understand what boundaries are essential for you to feel respected and supported,
2. Communicate Clearly and Assertively
Once you understand your boundaries, it's important that you communicate them clearly and directly to others in a calm and respectful tone. Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements to express your needs and expectations, such as "I need some time alone to recharge" or "I'm not comfortable discussing this topic." Using "I" statements conveys your needs assertively, without placing blame on others. For example, instead of saying, "You always interrupt me!" try, "I feel frustrated when I'm interrupted. Could you please wait until I finish speaking?"
3. Start Small
Begin by setting boundaries in low-stakes situations and gradually build your confidence. If you try to tackle your biggest boundary first, you run the risk of feeling overwhelmed and ill-prepared. Similar to when you begin working out, you can't just go straight to a 300kg deadlift, you need to start small and slowly build your way up; the same applies to boundaries. Begin with low-risk, easy-to-enforce boundaries to start building your confidence and boundary-setting strength. The more you practice, the more comfortable you'll become.
4. Practice Saying No
Saying no is a powerful tool for upholding your boundaries. It doesn't have to be accompanied by elaborate reasoning or justifications as to why; a simple "no, thank you" is sufficient. Remember, you don't owe anyone an explanation for declining a request that doesn't align with your boundaries, and 'no' can be a complete sentence. If saying "no" feels too direct, Kelly Brogan MD is a big advocate for using the phrase "that doesn't work for me" instead.
5. Anticipate Pushback and Be Prepared
Be prepared for some resistance when you start setting boundaries. People may be used to (and benefiting from) your old patterns and might attempt to guilt-trip, manipulate, or pressure you into changing your mind about the boundary you're trying to set. When this occurs, be ready to reiterate your boundaries calmly and firmly. Don't engage in arguments or justifications, simply restate your position and, if necessary, politely disengage.
6. Be Patient
Setting boundaries is an ongoing process. It takes time, practice, and self-compassion. Don't be discouraged by setbacks, and ensure you celebrate your progress along the way. Remember, even small steps toward establishing boundaries can have a significant impact on your well-being. You've got this!
Enforcing Your Boundaries
Once you have begun establishing your boundaries, you may find that there are times when people will try to overstep them.
Here are some easy steps for enforcing your boundaries when faced with push-back:
Don't Justify or Explain: You don't owe anyone elaborate explanations for your boundaries. A simple "no, thank you" or "I'm not comfortable with that" is sufficient.
Stick to Your Guns: If someone tries to pressure you into changing your mind, politely but firmly reiterate your boundary to them. Don't engage in arguments or justifications.
Be Consistent: When you are consistent with upholding your boundaries, it lets others know you're serious. If you flip-flop between enforcing them or not, others may view it as an opportunity to test your limits or try to manipulate you into changing your mind. This inconsistency can erode the boundaries you're trying to build and make it harder to establish strong boundaries in the future.
Follow Through with Consequences: If someone repeatedly violates your boundaries, consider setting consequences. This might involve limiting contact, ending a conversation, or walking away from a situation.
Bonus Tips:
Seek Support: If you're struggling to set boundaries, consider seeking professional help from a mental health provider. They can provide guidance and support in navigating challenging situations and developing assertive communication skills. Boundary Boss by Terri Cole is a great book you can read on the subject too.
Be Respectful and Direct: When setting boundaries, it's important to be respectful of the other person's feelings while also being clear and direct about your needs. Focus on the behaviour itself, not the other person. For example, "I need some space to finish this project. Can we talk later?"
Focus on Self-compassion: Be kind to yourself throughout the process. Setting boundaries is a learning experience, and there will be bumps along the road. Forgive yourself for any missteps and celebrate your efforts, even if they don't always produce the desired outcome immediately.
Conclusion
Ultimately, setting boundaries is not about being selfish; it's about self-care.
It's about creating a safe and healthy space for yourself to thrive.
By prioritising your well-being and communicating your needs effectively, you foster healthier relationships, reduce stress, and pave the way for a more fulfilling life.
You deserve to be treated with respect, and setting boundaries is the first step towards claiming that respect for yourself.
This journey of cultivating healthy boundaries is an ongoing process, but with dedication and self-compassion, you can create a life filled with respect, well-being, and authentic connections.
I have created a free downloadable workbook on setting healthy boundaries that you can access below. It's designed to guide you through uncovering your core values and needs, identifying what boundaries you might need, and creating actionable steps to implementing and upholding them.
Or, if you're after more personalised help with establishing healthy boundaries, you can book an online consultation with me here.
