Have you ever felt like you had to twist yourself into the shape of a pretzel to fit into a relationship?
Maybe you toned down your communication style, ignored your need for quality time, or constantly adjusted your expectations to avoid being seen as "high maintenance".
While this people-pleasing behaviour might seem harmless in the short term, it can have a profound impact on your self-worth, and long-lasting implications on your ability to build healthy, fulfilling relationships in the future, and even on your ability to find and experience true love.
In the world of love and connection, silencing your needs isn't just about keeping the peace; it's about subtly reinforcing the belief that you deserve less. Read that again.
When someone fails to meet your core needs and you consistently overlook it, you're not just enabling their behaviour. You're also conditioning yourself to accept a state of lack. Over time, this dynamic becomes your new "normal," making it incredibly difficult to walk away from situations that leave you emotionally depleted, even when your gut tells you something is wrong.
Let's unpack this concept further.
Table of Contents
The True Cost of Minimising Your Needs
We often downplay our needs for fear of being seen as "needy." This fear can stem from societal expectations, past relationship experiences, or even low self-esteem. We might believe that voicing our needs will push someone away or make us seem demanding.
However, here's the truth: true love and healthy relationships are built on open communication and mutual respect. A partner who genuinely cares about you will want to understand and fulfil your needs (within reason).
Here's what happens when you chronically minimise your needs:
You teach yourself to accept less: When you consistently settle for crumbs of affection and attention, you subconsciously train your brain to believe that this is the best you deserve. Over time, your standards begin to reflect the reality you've created, making it harder to recognise and advocate for what you truly need.
You become disconnected from your intuition: Your gut feeling is a powerful tool. It can guide you towards healthy choices and alert you to potential problems. But when you prioritise someone else's comfort over your own needs, you begin to override these internal signals. This disconnection from your intuition can make it difficult to navigate relationships and set healthy boundaries.
You build resentment: Ignoring your needs creates a breeding ground for resentment. Over time, the frustration of unmet expectations builds up, chipping away at the foundation of the relationship. This resentment can eventually lead to bitterness and emotional withdrawal.
How to Ditch the People Pleaser Mentality
So, here's the good news: You can break free from this cycle of self-suppression. The key lies in honouring your needs and developing the courage to communicate them effectively. Let's explore what this looks like more closely:
1. Identify Your Needs:
The first step is to understand what your core needs are in a relationship. These needs are essential for your emotional well-being and can include things like:
Quality time: Feeling genuinely connected and present with your partner.
Physical intimacy: A healthy level of physical connection that feels emotionally safe and fulfilling for both partners.
Emotional support: Knowing your partner is there for you and can hold space for your feelings.
Open communication: Feeling comfortable expressing yourself honestly without fear of judgment.
Respect: Being treated with respect and consideration by your partner.
2. Practice Self-Compassion:
It's normal to feel some apprehension around voicing your needs. Practice self-compassion as you navigate this process. Remember, your needs are valid and you deserve to be in a relationship that fulfils you on multiple levels (check out my blog post on setting boundaries for more on this).
3. Communication is Key:
Once you understand your needs, the next step is to communicate them clearly and assertively to your partner. Avoid accusatory language and focus on "I" statements. For example, instead of saying, "You never spend time with me," try "I feel disconnected when we don't have quality time together. How can we prioritise this in our relationship?". Remember, it’s you and your partner working against the problem, not against each other.
4. Be Prepared for Different Reactions:
It's important to be prepared for how your partner might react. A supportive partner will be receptive to your needs and willing to work with you to find solutions. However, some partners might resist change or dismiss your concerns. Remember, their response is about them, not you. A healthy relationship requires mutual respect and effort. If they consistently dismiss or downplay your needs, it might be time to re-evaluate if this relationship truly aligns with you.
5. Know Your Dealbreakers:
Not all needs are negotiable, and nor should they be. It's crucial to identify your dealbreakers - the core needs that are absolutely essential for you in a relationship. If your partner is consistently unwilling to meet these needs, it might be time to have an honest conversation about the compatibility of the relationship.
How to Find True Love and Foster a Healthy Relationship
True love and healthy relationships are all about balance. Both partners need to feel respected, supported, and emotionally fulfilled. Here are some hallmarks of a healthy connection:
Open and honest communication: Partners feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings openly without fear of judgment. There's a willingness to listen actively and work together to resolve conflicts.
Mutual respect: Both partners treat each other with respect and consideration. This includes respecting boundaries, valuing each other's opinions, and being supportive of each other's goals and dreams.
Emotional support: Partners are there for each other during difficult times and celebrate each other's successes. They offer a safe space for vulnerability and emotional intimacy.
Healthy boundaries: Healthy boundaries are essential for maintaining your sense of self within a relationship. This includes having time for yourself, your interests, and your friendships outside the relationship.
Shared values: Having compatible core values can provide a strong foundation for a lasting relationship. This doesn't mean you need to agree on everything, but there should be a general alignment on important life goals and principles.
Personal growth: Healthy relationships encourage personal growth. Partners support each other's individual journeys of self-discovery and encourage each other to pursue their passions.
Remember, You Deserve True Love
Here's the most important takeaway: You are worthy of healthy, true love and a connection that fulfils you. You deserve to be in a relationship where your needs are respected, your voice is heard, and your presence is valued. Don't settle for anything less.
By honouring your needs, communicating openly, and setting healthy boundaries, you create the space for a relationship built on mutual respect, love, and emotional security. This type of connection is not only fulfilling but can also contribute to your overall well-being and happiness.
Ready to Start Your Journey?
If you want personalised support to build healthier relationships and find true love, book a free Discovery Call with me to see how Sarva Health can help.
Remember, prioritising your emotional well-being and setting healthy boundaries is not selfish; it's a form of self-care. By taking care of yourself, you create the foundation for a happier, healthier you, and open the door to the possibility of attracting a partner who truly values and respects you for who you are, needs and all.
Comments